WHERE are Godly women to go to learn about married sex?!?

We surely cannot go to the world! And we apparently cannot go to the church either. So, where are we to go when we desire to be better lovers with our husbands?

It has become apparent to me lately just how bad this situation is in many of our churches. We do our best to make sure that our youth and singles know to “wait until marriage” for sex and that anything outside of marriage is bad! However, we often do an equally lousy job of telling how GREAT sex should be in marriage. It’s a taboo subject. Men and women view this topic vastly different and this only compounds a very discouraging trend.

I will be the first to proclaim that most of this “knowledge” needs to come directly through the fun learning process between husband and wife and through the husband leading the wife. I will also proclaim that we parents need to do a better job of preparing our children for this aspect of their new lives just before giving them away in marriage. And, many of our churches really need to do a better job of teaching on this important and holy subject. But, what do you do when the world already has its’ influence clearly wreaking havoc in your marriage bed?

Titus 2:3-5
New American Standard Bible (NASB)
3 Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, 4 so that they may [a]encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, 5 to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.

GOD designed sex in marriage! He thinks that it is holy and awesome! So should you! We older women should be encouraging younger women to love their husbands. And, most men’s first love language is SEX! Are we teaching the younger women that this is a Godly endeavor that they should rejoice in and learn with gusto? Or, are too many of our women still under the effects of the world’s teachings (it’s a necessary evil, don’t enjoy it too much or you are worldly, he should learn to control his urges, he needs to meet my needs first, etc.)?

The Greek word for “love” in Titus 2:3-5 is philandros.  We are to be attached to, fond of, and affectionate towards our husbands.  We are to be a friend and companion… loving as a friend.

Instead, what I’ve encountered within the church at large is that sex is something that we do not discuss (unless it’s in a negative way).  I personally hear more wives complaining about their sex life, and rarely are there any women stepping forward to correct their mistaken assumptions or to challenge them to love their husbands in all God-honoring ways. I’ve also encountered some husbands who feel that any discussion of marital sex among women is sinful and would be a violation of women teaching the gospel (what is right and wrong biblically). However, in light of the above verse in Titus, the older women ARE instructed to train the younger women to “love their husbands”. This is not an opportunity for gossip. This is a challenge to the “older women” to teach and to pray with the younger women. A husband should always be the head of the wife and they should discuss these things. The older women teaching the younger should never take precedence over a husband leading his wife.

We actually go to an amazing church where I can honestly say that I have the freedom to speak to my pastor and leadership about anything, and know that I will be given the truth from God’s Word. I also know that my pastor has no problems speaking bluntly and thoroughly on this subject. But, what I have also encountered is that many of our young ladies still hold very worldly and misdirected views of marital intimacy. Many of us believed for years that we knew what God’s Word said about these things. Many of us have been wrong! We’ve taken the world’s stigma’s about sex and brought them into the church.

I have no problem encouraging my younger sisters (well, ANY sister really) to love their husbands… especially when it comes to physical intimacy. Here are a few books if you have any doubts or concerns about what is or is NOT allowed according to the Word of God or how awesome marital sex should be:

There are more, but these are a few of our most recent reads that were really eye-opening even to our almost 25 year marriage. Just like everything in life, we may not agree with everything that they teach, but specifically on marital intimacy we have found them to be biblically accurate and honest.

Sheila W. Gregoire at ToLoveHonorandVaccuum.com put up a very thought provoking post (Are Christians Really Uptight About Sex?) about this very thing yesterday. It’s kind of funny that this article was already in the works before she posted. Almost feels like confirmation that God is gently challenging the hearts and minds of His daughters on this topic!

I believe it’s past time we quit letting the devil rob our bedrooms because of some mistaken sense of privacy or propriety. God designed physical intimacy in marriage to be hot and holy. Sure, it’s between a husband and wife and should be kept that way. But, we’ve got to stop treating intimacy as if it’s some secret thing that cannot be discussed or we’ll just continue passing down intimacy issues to future generations… or continue letting the world believe that only the unsaved and sinful (or perverted) have awesome sex.


Image used with permission from David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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18 thoughts on “Who’s Teaching Whom?

  1. Rena Gunther says:

    Very well said, Tiffani! Linking this on facebook.
    Rena Gunther recently posted…Go Ye {Ecuador}My Profile

    1. Tiffani says:

      Thank you, Rena!

  2. Great comment, Tiffani!

    You know what I often find at churches, though? It’s the younger women who see sex in a positive way, and the older women who don’t (that doesn’t mean the younger women are having sex very much, but at least they’re not afraid to talk about it). But when many older women do talk about it, they talk about it like it’s a chore.

    I know there are some older women who enjoy it, and who see it as a positive thing. Speak up, ladies! Let’s set the bar higher.
    Sheila Wray Gregoire recently posted…Contest: I Want to Host a Dynamic Women’s Event at Your Church–for Free!My Profile

    1. Tiffani says:

      Thank you Sheila!

      I grew up with that “older woman instruction” (it’s a chore) that you mentioned. It’s one of the biggest things that drew me to be a better mentor to the younger women. It means that I spend more time with the younger ladies trying to be a Godly influence. I’m all for setting the bar higher!

  3. Kate says:

    This is spot on Tiffani! You are so right and we women who have been married for awhile and have embraced the vision God has for sex and marriage, should be shouting it from the rooftops! There are too many wives out there sharing a very different story. It always breaks my heart, but it is real and we have to share our side of real and what the Bible has to say. Thank you for sharing your heart and ways we can help those around us.

    As Sheila said we do in fact need to set the bar high! We also need to be a hope filled light in the marriage darkness that surrounds so many.

    Keep sharing! Love it! Blessings, Kate

  4. Preach it sister! Great admonition and encouragement. Thanks for linking up with Marital Oneness Mondays. You’re a great fit for strengthening Christian marriages.
    Blessings!
    Jolene @ The Alabaster Jar recently posted…A Love So Deep….& a Marital Oneness Monday Link UpMy Profile

    1. Tiffani says:

      Thank you Jolene! I am blessed that the Lord put the message in my heart.

  5. Pearl says:

    AMEN! I agree that there should be more frank and gentle discussion that it’s OK to be a Christian wife who enjoys sex with her husband. Although, I’ve always understood this point, sometimes it was hard because there were other issues within the marriage that stood as a barrier. Those wives complaining about sex probably have other marital intimacy problems. In my experience, a sexual fulfillment problem is just a symptom of deeper turmoil.

    Prayer, as you mentioned, is essential. Prayer that ‘we’ older women can teach by listening with our hearts and understanding that the sexual issues may entail more than just mechanics.

    This is my first time reading your blog! Love it! Thank you for this post.

    1. Tiffani says:

      Thank you Pearl!

  6. Lisa Pederson says:

    Great article! I have found over the years that so many women are uniformed or misinformed about marital sex. We (Christians in general) ignore so much of the Bible that shows how amazing this relationship should be and how important God intended it to be.
    First of all, old testament, soldiers were given a year off to learn to make their wives happy. Original text translates as SEXUALLY happy. Men need to learn to make sex FUN and enjoyable to their wives! Solomon surely took that advice to heart and learned to please his bride, and she looked forward to being pleased and pleasing him. It was NOT a chore, and she was not to be the odd ball, it is in the Bible so we can KNOW that God intended us to enjoy intimacy with our husband.
    If Biblical words are not enough to convince, well, how about how God created our bodies? The foreskin and clitorus have 8-12,000 nerve endings with no purpose on this earth other than sexual pleasure. God wanted us to get great pleasure out of sex with our spouse!
    In the words of our pastor: When people talk about Christians they should be saying “They are so judgemental, but man, they have great sex!” (that was tongue in cheek, we are not to be judgmental, but by standing our ground people think we are, lol)
    Meaning, we ought to be the ones who truly embrace sex for the gift it is!

  7. Erin (Mystery32) says:

    Great post, Tiffani! I am a huge fan of Linda Dillow and just recently bought Sheila’s book. Good suggestions. 🙂 It is so true that we do not talk about sex enough, especially in the church. Women need it…and PEOPLE need it! It is definitely more of a struggle for women, usually, but men need to talk and be mentored as well! Thank you for this encouraging reminder! 🙂
    -Erin
    Erin (Mystery32) recently posted…Hold On.My Profile

  8. Nicole G says:

    One of my friends and I were talking about this at church the other night… how it seems to be okay for single woman to talk about sex but not for married women, where it should really be the other way around!!! My husband and I are leading a marriage Sunday school class right now, and I’ve actually had women who are older than me come up and tell me all their woes… is it wrong for those of us who have come to understand God’s design for marriage (and sex!) to help coach woman that are older than us??? Especially if they seek out the counsel?
    Nicole G recently posted…Sex and Chores?!?!My Profile

    1. Tiffani says:

      I believe that it is proper to respectfully correct (or guide) an older woman who is not walking rightly in this area. And, definitely if she is seeking counsel I would show her what God’s Word says about her issues. I would also recommend to her that she seek further counsel with her Pastor if she has any questions regarding what you share.

  9. Every married woman can help with this, at least in a small way. What you say matters, both saying positive things and countering those who say negative things. Peer pressure can be use for good!
    Paul H. Byerly recently posted…The words we use for sexMy Profile

  10. Edward says:

    Great post! I often think about this from a man’s perspective. But you are so right Christian women need “mentors” too. Great insight.
    Edward recently posted…32 Ways to be a Spiritual Leader of Your FamilyMy Profile

  11. Sis says:

    We older women should be encouraging younger women to love their husbands. And, most men’s first love language is SEX! Are we teaching the younger women that this is a Godly endeavor that they should rejoice in and learn with gusto?

    LOVE this!

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