Comments on: Inner Demons?

By: Junifer

Junifer — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 23:02:52 +0000

Hi Jason,

Both my husband and I have committed adultery and are slowly working through it with the Lord’s help. The revelation was made but 2 months ago and I am in so much pain every day. The Devil is having a party in my mind. I think of the details, the betrayal of trust and respect constantly. I cry every day. I havn’t forgiven myself or him. I don’t know how to right now. He is very repentant and remorseful and loves me to death and I just lash out at him. I realize that my pain is ruling my emotions but I don’t know how to stop. I pray every day for peace and healing. But maybe I’m not getting it because I haven’t forgiven. It took a month and a half to finally beat the truth’s out of my husband. He has held secrets and lies for so many years. I don’t trust or believe anything he says anymore. We have both decided to commit to making this marriage work and have given it to God. He has promised both of us that he would restore our marriage and make it stronger than it ever was. I’m just having a really hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I try to occupy my mind but I work at a desk and only have time for my mind to wander. I keep playing things over and over like a broken record. Please pray for me, my marriage and my husband for strength to get through this. I do have many more questions and I have searched for help. We have spoken to our pastor, seeing marriage counselor, and personal counselors. I wish our small town had a support group so that I could learn from others about how to just live and cope every day. I feel defeated every day. Reading your blog I see that you both have had the same happen to you and I would love to be able to talk to get advice and guidance. I just feel so alone in this even though I know many have and are going through the same thing. When will this pain end?

By: jamie

jamie — Wed, 03 Oct 2012 19:19:09 +0000

I will have to tell you some time what our counselor just told me about memories last week. As I battle those. I can’t drive certain places without being assaulted with memories and I needed to know how to handle it. I plan to write about that soon enough.

By: Jason

Jason — Wed, 03 Oct 2012 11:54:30 +0000

Thanks so much for reading, Jamie! As I have begun reading your story (still have more to read) I can definitely see many similarities in our worlds. It’s amazing as we look back over our lives, when we realize what evils we are capable of as human beings. Our story is not one that I necessarily like retelling all that often – I hate being flooded with those bad memories… but as God leads, I tell bits of it in hopes that the person I’m speaking to will realize that there is hope for them. God’s forgiveness is an awesome thing. May we never take it for granted!

By: jamie

jamie — Wed, 03 Oct 2012 02:57:24 +0000

First, I write the same way. As posts come to mind and usually surrounding what is on my heart. Second, our stories are similar huh? Not the same, but similar for sure. I am no longer surprised when I hear or read a story that is so similar to my own. It empowers me to continue sharing. And the enemy screws with my mind and my memories at completely odd moments and works harder, because he realized that coming straight at me wasn’t going to work anymore.

By: Happy Hour | The Romantic Vineyard

Happy Hour | The Romantic Vineyard — Fri, 11 May 2012 21:02:05 +0000

[...] Inner Demons - An honest, heart-wrenching post about the struggles after adultery in marriage. Read this whether this has occurred in your marriage or not. We are all susceptible to temptation and what better way to arm ourselves than to hear the testimony of others who have gone this way and regretted it. One Flesh Marriage [...]

By: Jason

Jason — Fri, 11 May 2012 18:40:46 +0000

Thanks Debi! The dead body analogy was one of the first couple things that came into my head when I was searching for words to describe my position. I felt it was exactly what I needed to create the word-picture in my head. I truly hope that future readers who may be going through similar things as to what I described above will be encouraged. They need to KNOW that there is hope in Christ… and that He truly is capable of helping us walk through the lowest of lows in our life.

Something that I have told a number of people as I’ve ministered bits of this story verbally is this… As painful as life has been at times in my 25 year marriage, I would willingly go through it all again to get the awesome, God-loving wife that I have today. I do NOT say that lightly. There are times in the past when I wanted to dive off the closest high building. God Himself kept me moving onward.

By: Debi - The Romantic Vineyard

Debi - The Romantic Vineyard — Fri, 11 May 2012 15:22:49 +0000

Jason,
Great post here. I can only imagine how difficult it must have been to live through such a season and then, to own up to it for the required change. But you nailed it when you said,

“I have forgiven my wife for hurting me – and ultimately US, but the enemy continues to throw reminders at me from every angle with the intent of getting me to stumble over the dead body of our past. Please help me to BURY that body and burn the shovel. I refuse to listen to the voice of the enemy any longer, but he’s learned to disguise his voice well. Help me to recognize his lies quickly, Lord, and to dispatch them with YOUR TRUTH. Thank You for loving a wretched sinner like me, Lord. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

You have accurately described the battle of mortifying the flesh! Such a picture of stumbling over a dead body. I don’t think I’ll ever forget this visual again. Thank you for taking the time to agonize over such an outstanding post. You are serving the marriages who will read this post well.

Blessings to you and Tiffani and you continue to battle.

By: Jason

Jason — Fri, 11 May 2012 13:44:07 +0000

J, I am so grateful for that encouragement… and we (Tiffani and I) certainly receive that word! This has not been an easy road by any stretch of the imagination, and I wish we had not had to walk it… but then again, I have to wonder – if we had not walked it, would we be where we are today in Christ? Would we hold the convictions we now have? Or would we be in worse circumstances than we were then? Would we even still be together?

Those last thoughts just make me cringe. The Lord gave me THIS family to take care of in this life. I cannot bear the thought of not having them close to me. And as in the story of the master, the slaves and the talents in Matthew 25… I want so much to be able to say at the end of my journey; “Master, I have been a good steward over the ones you entrusted me with, and here they are!” Knowing what God has forgiven ME of in this lifetime, I have no right to be unforgiving to my dear wife who has made her share of mistakes. The Lord Himself has forgiven her of all of that sinning. Who am I to place myself above HIS judgments?

By: J (Hot, Holy & Humorous)

J (Hot, Holy & Humorous) — Fri, 11 May 2012 01:59:47 +0000

It’s so difficult to give your full testimony, especially with that past involves sexual sin. I so appreciate your raw honesty here. I love that you and Tiffani are turning this around to minister to others and that you are truthful in stating that it isn’t a one-day shift from bad to great. We have to stay on course, remember God’s promises, choose to love daily, and pray for our hearts and minds to be transformed. Blessings to you both!

By: Jason

Jason — Fri, 11 May 2012 01:32:09 +0000

Thank you Brad… yes, it was doggone hard to write, but enough years have passed that it’s time this story started doing some GOOD in somebody’s life – instead of rotting away on a cold, dark shelf. If someone reads this and STOPS their descent, then praise be to God! Tiffani and I are in a great place today, but we traveled a VERY rocky road to get here.